My Fema (grandmother) who taught me to take pleasure in the little things, the important things in life and who my most cherished childhood memories are with. She will forever remain in my heart and in my thoughts.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Why Gail Hates Me!

Before I begin, you may need a Kleenex, several in fact.  What you are about to read is a sad, sad story.
This is a story so sad; it dwarfs all other stories to date.  Let's begin:

Once upon a time (I know it captures you from the beginning) there was a Princess Queen named, The Fair Erin.  The Fair Erin loved her family very much and had a wonderful life (sans Frank Capra).  Alas she was denied the one thing she wanted more than anything (tear).  The Fair Erin wanted this one thing more than anything in the whole of the world.  The Fair Erin wanted a cat (insert aaaws here).

The Fair Erin shared her kingdom with the Cat Hater Sorceress Gail, who was known far and wide for her extreme dislike of the cute, furry, loveable feline creatures (insert boos and hisses).  One day out of the goodness of her loving heart, the Fair Erin took in a poor abandoned cat (violins play here).  The Fair Erin would feed Sir/Madame Cat (I never checked) and sometimes let him/her in the house when the Cat Hater Sorceress Gail was out of the kingdom (said cat may or may not have been on the couch eating expensive kitty appetizers).  The fair Erin was happy and there was peace in the kingdom.  Sir/Madame Cat was loved by the Queen and Prince Gabriel and Princess Drioux (read: tolerated by kids who ignored him/her), until one rainy terrible day.  The Fair Erin was slaving away at work tirelessly only to come home with Prince Gabriel and Princess Drioux to find Cat Hater Sorceress Gail had banished Sir/Madame Cat from the kingdom to never be heard from again (tears flowing and whimpering heard).  The Fair Erin's heart was broken and then she ate the poisonous apple and the Seven Dwarfs...oh, wait...wrong I was saying...The Fair Erin's heart was broken and a great sadness fell upon the once happy kingdom.  To this day The Fair Erin is denied the affections of a Sir/Madame Cat.  The fair Erin does not live happily ever after.  The End (or so Cat Hater Sorceress Gail thinks)!

Disclaimer:  Although this story is true (mostly) (poetic license used), and although Gail does hate the cutest animals possible but did feed Sir/Madame Cat sometimes, she is not a Sorceress and I still love her very much (even though she denies me the most purrrfect addition to our home kingdom).

**Kisses for those who got the reference to It's A Wonderful Life directed by Frank Capra in 1946**


Tuesday, January 19, 2010

10 Reasons why it sould not be raining

1.  If I shrink any more nobody will be able to see me, proven fact water makes me shrink. I used to be 5'9".

2.  It is wet and if you think I am going to get my awsome high heels wet  then you have another thing coming. Cue men with sedan (old english version, not american car)

3.  I just got my car washed (read: Gail got my car washed one week ago). Me? Get my own car washed? PFFT!

4.  I have yet to build an ark.  Don't even get me started on animals two by two I can't even keep a gold fish alive

5.  I have yet to purchase an umbrella or galoshes in the whole of my life and I don't intend to start now. I may or may not be walking to the car with a bag over my head...don't judge

6.  Californians can't drive already.  As we speak there is an accident on every freeway and highway and street and avenue and boulevard and...and...

7.  Bees can't fly in the rain...think about the bees...oh, the humanity...the poor bees!

8.  It goes against the "Sunny California" hype and what would California be if not for the hype I ask you?

9.  Homeless people don't need their own version of Katrina.  Hell?  Yes, I'd like a reservation for one please.

10.  Nobody in California has storm doors; this IS a storm just ask any Californian  This just in..this morning all Californians called in to work and are in their multi-media rooms under their IKEA table writing their last will and testament

***Disclaimer.  To not offend the bees of California and indeed the world I would like to make the following statement:  Bees can in fact fly in the rain, however they do not like to...something to do with the sun and their natural nav system.  No bees were injured in the making of this blog.

Friday, January 15, 2010

It's not alchoholism if it's after 11:30am

Gail and I were having some drinks with a friend from New York.  While we were waiting for him to get there I noticed a couple of girls in medical scrubs having a drink as well.  I thought to myself "wow, I wouldn't want them taking my blood when they go back to work".  Then I had to stop myself.  I kind of felt bad.  Why do you say you felt bad?  I'm glad you asked.  Was it because I was feeling guilty for judging others? No.  Was it because I thought maybe I misread the situation? No.  It was because somewhere in the back of my mind I remembered my "liquid lunches" long since past.  When I was a Medical Assistant some years ago (no not a long time ago thank you), we would go for happy hour at lunch hour.  We would be in our scrubs chit chatting armed with Margaritas and other fruity concoctions.  You would think we would feel bad about our choice of lunch, but you would be wrong.  Not only was the medical staff slurping the frosty drinks, the Dr. was running the tab.  The good Dr. would say one more round and we knew just what that meant.  No Mrs. Ivy we need to push your apt. back one hour, yes I know, I understand you have already waited a month for this appointment, right the insomnia and mood swings are back..uhuh..hmm...mhm..yes suicidal 3pm instead of 2pm.....well yes the flu season does have us overbooked..yes no time to chat...sick patients don't cry...yes..3pm..ok...we'll see you then...right...ok...busy...busy...bye, bye now.  Hey guys make mine a double.  Healing the sick...pfft. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Oh, China....oh, poor naive China

According to recent news, more than 24 million Chinese men can find themselves sans spouse in 2020.
(thought:  maybe the U.S. can get in on this mail order bride thing now)

Sadly since the Chinese are limited to one child per household and the preferred child is male, it seems since these soon to be mothers are having ultrasounds to determine the baby's sex, they are choosing "sex-specific abortions" in hopes the next child will be male.  Now they are all cry-ee about the men to women ratio.  I wonder what the hell is wrong with people.  Does it not make more sense to have girls instead?  Sure maybe the family name won't get carried on but hey, all we need is a sperm bank and we're good.

Maybe someday people will realize both genders are equally important (clearly women are far more superior)
and equally contributing (please men couldn't blow their nose properly if not for us).  I mean what would we do without the opposite sex (uhmmm...stop being mommies to grown men)?

So to sum up: Chinese dumb asses making Chinese extinct, U.S. to look into exporting mail order brides, women better than men...yes I think that about sums it up.

Good day!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Oh yes! There is an age limit.

I have a favor to ask.  It's just a wee little favor.  Can everyone acknowledge their correct age and act accordingly?  I understand wanting to stay youthful.  I agree with wanting to feel care free in a world of responsibility and deadlines.  What I do not understand is a 40+ person (I'm being kind with the age) shouting into her phone "OMG WTF?"  At that point she should have hung her head in shame.  Instead as the phone call continues she proceeded to regress in age.  I know I should have walked away, but it was much like a horrific wreck that you just can't turn away from no matter how appalled you are.  I started feeling embarrassed for her then on the fifth or sixth " way" it turned into judgment and mocking.  At this point I wondered if she was alone in her fantasy.  Really taking a look around I saw another lady advanced in her years wearing Apple Bottom Jeans and get another one with a Juicy wee-shirt, not tee-shirt because that would assume it covered all appropriate areas.  No, this was a wee-shirt.  I'm all for freedom of this, that and the other thing but someone has to monitor this.  I am in my 30's, I have an 11 year old.  There is no point when we would wear the same clothes (not that I would fit in them anyway...thank you for that Starbucks).  If you are 25+ yrs old and shopping for yourself in the jr miss section YOU ARE WRONG!  If you are 30+ yrs old and wearing a mini skirt YOU ARE WRONG!  If you are using teen slang on the phone and you get monthly Botox injections YOU ARE WRONG!  We should not be ashamed of our age, our years of wisdom.  Instead we should use them to our benefit by mocking and judging those younger than ourselves. 

Friday, January 8, 2010

Dollars to Doughnuts

Idiom: expresion, word or phrase that has a figurative meaning that is comprehended in regard to a common use of that phrase...

Idiom: crap that people say because they lack the basic communication skills to articulate a well though out point...
        -Erin S Lee

Examples of such idiocracy:

"dollars to doughnuts" (I have the right to mock anyone who EVER says this)

"beside myself" (really! I understand you may be upset, you may even be devastated but not now or will you ever be able to be "beside myself")

"six of one half a dozen of the other" (wins the redundancy award wins the redundancy award)

"tomorrow is another day" (um...yeah...unless you are Bill Murray) **kisses for those who got the Ground Hog Day reference

"in fine leather" ( I believe when some one is dressed well we should all say this..then get our horse and buggie to go into town)

"a boddice ripper" (I actually love this makes me giggle)

Things to do taday
-get myself into a conversation where I can use the idiom "boddice ripper"

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Blogger Buzz: Browse Profiles! Find new blogs to read!

Blogger Buzz: Browse Profiles! Find new blogs to read!
Good Morning Class.  Today I bring you a list of the all time best stalker songs using the Homeland Security Advisory System

Low  (kinda creepy)
Don't Stand So Close To Me - Police: don't stand, don't stand so, don;t stand so close to me...
(is considering using this as a ring tone in a large crowd....or in any Chinese restaurant) 

Guarded (definate warning signes)
Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood: carved my name into his leather seats, took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires....
Perrmanent marker - Taylor Swift: he found 30 other pieces but he'll never find them all, tried to tape it back together now he knows to keep it off the wall x is the shape I drew through your face in permanent marker...

Elevated (restraining order)

I Will Follow Him - Little peggy March: I will follow him where ever he may go there isn't a mountain too high...
Where You Are - Rascal Flats: I don't know you don't know I wanna find a place to go where you are I've been up I've been down you know my smile you kniw my frown I just love when your around I wanna be (3x) where you are where you are...

High (witness protection)
Watching You - Melissa Etheridge: and if you don't want me I don't want to want you and if you won't see me I don't know what to do but oh keep watching you until I see right through oh I keep watching you...
Paparazzi - Lady Gaga: I'm your biggest fan I'll follw you until you love me papa-paparazzi...
Don't Walk Away - Miley Cyrus: I'm gonna get you yeah no matter what they say you think I;m loosin but I always get me way...

Severe (last will and testiment)
Run For Your Life - Beatles: well I'd rather see you dead, little girl than to be with another man, you better keep your head little girl, or I won't know where I am...
Stalker - Goldfinger: sometimes she says she's my mom looks like she doesn't belong, she's my own peeping tom flowers every day the cops tell her to stay 500 feet away she's sleeping on my door step, she hasn't hurt me yet...

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Irritations of this Morning...Starbucks this means YOU!

Can someone please explain to me why the Starbucks Barista feels complelled to carry on a lengthy conversation with me?  I want coffee, just coffee..not coffee and commentary.  I'm not mean spirited but I do see the benifits of it.  Scene this morning:

Me: A grande nonfat quad cappuccino wet please
Barista: What was your name?  You know I am so bad at names,(meanwhile payment transaction complete) I try to rhyme them with something but I always forget...
Me: Smiling (so they don't spit in my coffee) and turning to walk away (for the love of all that is holly, shut up, shut up, just make my coffee pleeeease).
Barista:  ...(continuing without a breath) your name is easy though so I don't know why I forget it...
Me: nope still don't care...
Barista: oh I love your necklace where did you get it?  What kind of stone is it?
Me: Ok then thaaaanks (as I take a step to walk to the pick up section)
Barista: grabbing my arm (oh no she did not) So where did you say you got your necklace because it is just beautiful? (help I'm being held captive in starbucks, headlines to read: hostage situation at local Starbucks over the purchasing location of at 10).
Me: I'm going to get my coffee now as you clearly have a line patiently waiting (walking away)
Barista:  Oh yes, but tomorrow you have to tell me where you got that beautiful necklace...ok?  So I'll see you tomorrow then....ok bye.

Things to do today:
-Find new Starbucks.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Day 1

Welcome people...welcome...welcome (see attached ego). Is assuming this blog will spontaneously appear on people's lap tops and they will just rush to read know...or not. Well my blog is new...ahhh that new blog smell. I know it may look kind of ruff right now, but it is under construction (face lift, boob job). I shall promise a few things:
1. I will post regularly (rather you read it or not)
2. I will not dispense advise
3. I will consider people's feeling before mocking them.
4. I will ignore numbers 2 and 3