AROUND THE WORLD IN 2 HOURS

I have been sparsely here or rather not at all.  I meant to, I had good intentions but how can you expect me to miss out on things like: prime time television, sloth and laziness.  Well, fret no longer I say.  I have a wonderful story to tell you of world travel, exotic places, faraway lands and...perhaps I embellish...perhaps. 

We start our journey in the Ukraine.







See, I told you.  World travel!

 Just a hop, skip and a jump (literally) to Poland.



Did I go to Poland for the sausages? 
Yes, yes I did.



Proper Polish setting.

 



Traditional Polish Attire. 







 



 





After Poland we make our way all the way (5 steps) to Ireland.





Celtic Thunder!  Anyone?  No?  Just me then.



Michael Flatley would be proud.







 



The next obvious step after Ireland...Finland duh!

I may have started an International Incident.
Apparently you can't touch stuff in Finland!







 

Germany is right next to Finland.  You mean you didn't know that?




Ahhh my roots...unless, my mom was really friendly
with the milk man.  The jury is still out.



The reason my family left Germany?  Fashion, fashion, fashion!



  



Visiting Israel after Germany.  Gotta say, a bit weird.  Germany was all "Israel is touching me:"  and Israel was all "We were here first, stay on your own side".  Talk about drama sheeeesh!













Wondering if this counts as the Mitzvah; visiting
the Holy Land.  I gather the Rabbi would disagree.



I hate the glare of the glass.  Why not leave it open?  Oh wait, oh yeah.  (see Finland)



 



 





Apparently the Philippines were closed today.                                                 





No one gets in to see the wizard!  Not no one, not no how!



France!  Oui Oui and such (seriously? A whole year of French and that is the best i can do?  Ummmm, yeah!)                                                                                                                                                 



 

I see London, I see France, I see....

  


I want it all!


                                                    

 Squeee!!! My favorite destination Ever!



Like a beacon calling to me.

"This blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England" -Richard II, Act 2






Only the most amazing person ever!  LOOOOVE HER!

My new buddy and I.  Oh, England I never want to leave you.

Next stop on our adventure...

Don't know what is says, but oh so pretty.



Must have...would totally wear.

 On to my second love following England.

Gordon Ramsay (1/2 Scottish) & George McDonald = 2 reasons to go to Scotland







Want a kilt...want...want...WANT!

Coming to an end of our tour of the world we have...



 

Capitol One...What's in your wallet?

 and...







Sharks vs. Jets



Thank you all for coming along with me on my tour Around the World in 2 Hours.  I just heart Balboa Park.  You should check it out.  www.balboapark.org





 

Beware the Jabberwocky!

There are evil things about.  Things in our world that we need to take a stand as a people and fix.  There are the commonly known things like: disease, Mel Gibson, famine, failing economy, green house effect, Sarah Palin, poverty and Jihad.  Then there are the not so common things; which in my opinion are a far greater threat.  Let's look at each of these.

1.  Velour pants:  This bastardization of the pant is a real and present threat against our senses.  It attacks our sense of sight, our sense of sound (you know who you are, big thigh people walking with your swoosh swoosh) and our sense of fashion.  Coco Chanel would be apalled.

 

This is never a good idea.

Someone call the ASPCA...

and CPS!

2.  Baggy saggy pants:  also known as an official "F&^% YOU!" to the fashion industry.  "Are you tired of pulling your regular normal persons pants down around your ass, then walking like you are wearing a full diaper so they won't fall?  Well do we have the answer for you..."

Does this really look ok to anybody?  What the hell...I...if...but...there are no words.

3.  Shoes for dogs:  I don't think you heard me..SHOES FOR DOGS, for animals...shoes...over the paws...shoes...to protect their feet, FROM WHAT...the ground their paws were intended to walk on???  What kind of animal injustice is this and why isn't the ASPCA out bitch slapping these people.  I call for an up rise of all dogs to protect thier doggie friends that are being tortured in this most vicious way.

What did this poor pup ever do to anyone?  Not captioned; puppies thoughts; "FML"

This has got to be the animal equivalent of kiddy porn.  You know what she lost back there?  Her DIGNITY, that's what. 

4.  Pimped out transportation:  The holy grail of human stupidity.  This is why aliens don't come to earth, there all laughing at us.  They don't want their friends to see them hanging out with a species that does shit like this...

Again, no words.

Who is the market for this and why are they allowed out in public?

It's a Chevy truck...a TRUCK...made for hauling.  This monstrosity will scrape the ground empty.  I refuse to believe a person can drive this with even an ounce of dignity.

For those of you who even look at this and think "this thing is cool" natural selection should start with you. 

Don't think I forgot about you, you pathetic group of people.  I just shake my head and hope your moonshine has rendered you sterile.

5.  The furry boots/inappropriate boot wearing:  Women, if you want to be treated seriously and respected for your mind I suggest you rethink making your feet look like a clydesdale's.

 

She must have lost her damn mind! 

...because nothing says star like furry boots and jammy pants.

That concludes..oh wait, silly me, here I thought furry boots were a travesty made only by women

I stand corrected...and a little embarrassed.

Now by no means does this complete the list of dangers plaguing our society, but my eyes are bleeding and I haven't the strength to discuss why 80's hair is the devil.

And we wonder why the rest of the world hates us.                                                                                    

                                                                                  

Monterey: Sardines and Sea Horses

This past weekend we were in Monterey hanging out with friends and family.  We had plans to go the the Monterey Aquarium, I thought I was going to be disappointed.  I had been to the Long Beach Aquarium and was very disappointed.  Within the first 5 minutes of the Monterey Aquarium, I realized what an Aquarium should look like.  The adults and kids had a blast and met some strange characters (captions may or may not have been approved by the Monterey Aquarium (I'm guessing may not)).

                                                          This is Harry, he is not amused! 

Harry's Bi-Polar and slightly Skitsophrenic brother.

I will love him, and I will call him SQUISHYYYY!

This is Paul: He is a single black/white male, who loves the water and is looking for a serious relationship.

Shelly; plotting the death of that cheating bastard of a...uh, um needing some alone time.

After our wonderful time at the Aquarium we went to the Sardine Factory.  Never been before, but I highly recommend (unless you go and get salmonella or E. Coli, in which case I said nothing)!

The ceiling of the outdoor seating of the Sardine Factory.  Lovely, just lovely!

The bathroom of the Sardine Factory.  Why? Because it is freakin awesome, that's why!

Tell me why this orange-ish tomato-y butter spread was awesome.

Appitizer heaven.  Left: battered artichoke heart; Middle: shrimp; Right: crab cakes in all their yumminess.

Onion crisps topping a steak should be the rule, always...no really, ALWAYS!

This completes our day trip to Monterey; please tip your tour guide.                                                             

Refusing to admit it is graduation time...or, building a time machine.

I am in denial.  I am aware of this and I plan on taking up residency here.  I have two graduations coming up in the next two weeks.  It seems my pre-schooler is graduating and will be attending elementary school in September (am not happy).  I am also being told that my 12 year old daughter who was the cutest baby and she was just so little for so long...and I just had her yesterday...and who authorized her to grow so big and get all attitude-y and independent, and all "I'm a teenager now, I know everything"   Um...yeah...like I was saying, I am also being told that my 12 year old daughter is graduating (really a promotion, but it hurts the same) from 6TH grade and will be in Jr. High in September (September is my least favorite month now).

I assure you, my denial has nothing to do with my own age.  I don't mind being...oh, nice try!  I just don't think it's fair.  True, we all grew up; true, we should expect the same of our kids, however I have a really good rebuttle.  It goes a little something like this...Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!! 

You may say, "You're being a baby, graduating High school will be worse!"  To you people I say pfft!!!  You see, for my eldest I have two years to perfect the time machine.  You scoff, but let's just see who is asking who to borrow who's time machine when their kids stop saying mommy and start rolling their eyes.


Things to do:  Find out where they sell plutomium and flux capacitors.  Also does anyone have Christopher Lloyd's number?

Assemble The Mourners

Another tragedy has struck my life; one akin to the unpleasantness that fell upon my dear orchid.  My house plant, Fred or rather my office plant, Fred has died.  I am confident with the proper amount of therapy and grieving time, I will learn to move on from this troublesome time in my life. 

For those that can attend I will be holding services.  The attire is fancy dress and the viewing will be held at the hall trashcan.  Services will be followed by an afternoon tea (Fred would have liked that).  We all have to be strong and remember the fond memories we all had with Fred. 

Fred's Last Will and Testament will be read at a later to be determined time and location, due to some discrepancies with Fred's illegitiment children and an alleged mistress (can neither confirm or deny the allegations but a Fern may be involved).

If anybody would like to make a donation in the name of our dearly departed, information on Fred's favorite charities and causes will be listed by the guest book.